March 15, 2017
I’m going to divide this letter up into two parts. The first part is what my ego self (the surface of my mind) thinks about our situation. The second will be about myself, what’s in my heart, and realizations.
In my first ever Communications class, I learned that while discussing something, you shouldn’t use the word “you” but only “I”. For example, “I felt” or “I did.” But since you know that this section is speaking from the ego, I’m going to use “you” a lot, so just bear with me.
Of course you already know, that I dislike the fact that it seems like you’ve been chasing after instant, continuous gratification without the commitment. I believe we could’ve been friends without you trying to pursue, and then when the time is right, we would’ve transitioned into something greater a lot more smoothly. I wish you would’ve exercised more self control, especially after everything I told you about me wanting a relationship. Not sure if I told you that I always end up dealing with guys who aren’t “ready” but yeah, it seems to be the case. When I used to talk to someone about two years ago, it was just as intense, if not more intense than this. And [I] was the one who realized I wanted to slow down because [I] wasn’t “ready.” When things hit the fan and he stopped talking to me, my BFF’s male cousin told me that telling someone that they’re not ready is a slap in the face, and a cut to their confidence/ego, an insult. I realize that now. To be patient or wait for you to choose to move forward feels like I am doing an injustice to myself.
I will admit that I hold myself to high standard and put myself on the highest pedestal. I guess on some level I don’t feel like anyone deserves me and both parties end up paying for it. I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice for anything because I’m always the one doing it with nothing in return. I’m always the one having to wait, compromise, with no reciprocity. The guy is always left with the freedom to choose and do what he feels best, but I can’t without consequence. Maybe I need to practice being more selfish…
Besides the fact that I lowkey feel like (I’m sorry) that you don’t deserve me is that I don’t trust you without real reason. I never know how bad my trust issues are until I start dating. It’s hard to let it go. But without commitment it’s almost impossible. I need to feel secure, even though commitment still doesn’t equal security. It’s really almost if nothing you do can fix this. Without commitment I see uncertainty. Like I’m going into something blindly. Like things can too easily change without it.
I feel disappointed and kind of stupid, for again, getting involved in someone who says they aren’t ready and was never looking. Before you, I cut someone off for those words very EARLY and it was the best thing I’ve done, but, as you know, circumstances vary.
I don’t want to be taken advantage of or taken for granted.
Now for the part where my “higher self” or true self is speaking…
The only reason why I can say I’m doing better with all of this is because I’m speaking up for myself, but even better, I’m admitting my own flaws.
I know that no one is perfect. I can’t expect you to pick up where another man left off and FIX everything anyone has ever done to me. It’s not fair to you. I can’t expect perfection.
Whatever we have isn’t going to be perfect. Sometimes we’re going to have to compromise in a healthy way, make adjustments, have patience, and it’s something that everyone has to do.
I have to trust you and this journey. That we’d end up where we need to be. I have to believe that even if it doesn’t work out I did the best I could. I have to learn to let go and be unattached to the outcome. Anything that happens is going to happen whether there is commitment or not. I can only enjoy where I am now, especially when there isn’t any red flags that tells me to get out. I know that if this were a different situation I would’ve been gotten out of it and this situation is not that at all. I know I’m not stupid for following my heart this time. Why is this different? There is reciprocity. I can come to you with anything and you’ve been there before we even started talking. There’s been consistency and acts of love. Both of which I’ve never had to this extent before.
I have to release wanting to have control over everything. We can have control over certain things, like ourselves, but not over other people or life in general. We just do what we feel is best in the present moment. What you end up doing, whatever suffering you may cause is on you, not me and vice versa. I should feel free knowing that, but it’s a work in progress.
My sense of security has to come from me.
OH YEAH, Venus is in retrograde. Retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving backwards. It’s for us to settle past karma, heal, and move forward. No decisions should be made during this time until it goes direct, which will be April 15th in this case. It’s funny how the symptoms of this retrograde is directly affecting me. Link: http://astrologyking.com/venus-retrograde/
I don’t know how to end this letter, things are still up in the air. I don’t necessarily feel too lovey dovey right now. I want to write about how I feel about you, but I feel a guard building because at this time, I don’t feel safe. Next time, I hope we will be writing actual love letters! I want to get past this. I still believe that you could be the one…
P.S. I’m updating this because I don’t want you to believe that you’re a horrible person and I definitely don’t want you to continue to blame yourself. The characteristics you see in me, I see in you. You’re intelligent, driven, and creative. You’re also caring, affectionate, passionate, and extremely helpful to me and others. I’m proud that you’re taking the steps to become a better man.